GENERATIONAL GRIEF

Sept 4, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Our search for our grief/loss can begin by asking this question? ‘What did I receive from my dysfunctional family and what would I have received from loving parents in the same situation?”  BRB p. 204

“We grew up with expectations of normal, supportive behavior, but our expectations were not met.  This spawned a grieving process.  We didn’t realize that previous generations were grieving too, which helps explain, but doesn’t excuse their dysfunctional behavior.  We often say our parents did the best they could with what they had.  Unfortunately, what they had was too often not nearly enough, just as what they had received was not enough. 

Unprocessed grief from our childhoods and our ancestors’ childhoods can put us in a perpetual state of mourning.  The generational nature of this is called “complicated grief.  This grief can hold us hostage, undermine our ability to function well, and adversely complicate relationships.  It can contribute to medical problems, because grief has friends called shame, sadness, depression, and insecurity – a great prescription for being unhealthy.

In ACA, we uncover the roots of our grief, recognize what we didn’t receive as children, and see how we learned to react as a result.  ACA teaches us how to stop the grief cycle and become our own loving parents.  We do the work for ourselves before we can help future generations have less baggage to carry forward. 

On this day I recognize the immense grief I carry.  I know I can work through it and change my life, giving myself what I didn’t get as a child.  I reparent myself using the tools of ACA recovery.”

My experience:

I thought my childhood was normal.  But what I now understand is that it was my “normal.”  My normal included, being molested by a family member, seeing a neighbor child hit and killed by a car, watching my father violently yell at my mother, having parents not be loving towards me.  All this caused “my normal” of not to expect to be loved or protected from my parents.  It caused me to understand that I had to figure things out on my own and only expect minimal interaction with the parental units.  Although there was little guidance, there was an expectation to succeed in everything, school and life situations.  Following is a life situation example that I was expected to navigate:  as a 15 year old I needed new football cleats.  Instead of being taken to the store, as most adults would done, my mother gave me a check (I of course had to approximate what the dollar amount was going to be and hope that I approximated well).  The expectation was that I was to go to the bank, cash the check, as a 15 year old with no ID other than a bus pass, then go to the store and buy the cleats.  However, it didn’t not play out that simply.  I traveled, via public transit bus, to the bank that the check was drawn on.  I of course traveled to the branch that was closest to the store for which I was going to purchase the cleats.  Once there I was told I had to cash it at the branch that held the signature card in order to verify my mother’s signature.  After figuring out the route and taking 2 to 3 more busses to that branch, I was told that it could not be cashed.  After a few choice words, you can only imagine what those could have been from a 15 year old boy, I left the bank.  At this point I had to risk the disappointment of my father (the disappointment from my mother would have been far too much to bear).  I braved the feeling of shame of not being able to complete the task and found him.  My father’s job was one where he was on the road most of the day.  Once again I took a bus or two to where he was, got cash from him and then bussed it over to the store to get the needed cleats.  These types of experiences, and there were many, made me believe that all kids had experiences like this and it was just part of life. 

So it is easy to believe that I would expect similar from my children.  I have had my eyes opened and understand that the experience detailed above and similar life experiences were not normal and I have adjusted my outlook on life to provide a better experience to my children.  I now live “One Day At A Time” in that I take the needs of others and decide if I can/want to help and what level of help I get to decide to provide. 

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