FUN

Dec 9, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“We were not taught how to have fun.”  BRB p. 39

Someone in a meeting once asked what adult children do for fun.  In our families of origin, many ofus were too hypervigilant to have fun or experience joy.  When we look back, we often struggle to remember brief moments of fun.  Some of us do catch glimpses of playing with dolls or trucks, blowing dandelions, or hollering “Let’s play hide and seek – you’re it!”

As we begin recovery, the idea of having fun may feel foreign, but we start to learn how important it is as a way to nurture our Inner Child and our adult self.  As we get healthier, we see wondrous joy and freedom in having fun.  We start doing things like drawing in a sketchbook, putting together a picture puzzle, coloring, working on a craft, going for a walk, riding a horse, fishing, hiking a mountain trail, skiing, swimming, calling a friend, going to the movies, painting a picture, singing, going to the library, learning to play a musical instrument, listening to music, hugging a friend, going to a museum, sitting by the river watching a sunset, laughing with friends, taking pictures, taking a class on mediation, playing a game… the list of fun activities can go on forever.

On this day I will experience life to its fullest by being in the present and doing something fun.

My experience:

I had fun.  But it was controlled fun, it was hidden fun.  I couldn’t get too dirty, too hurt, too messy, etc. or there may be hell to pay.  There was an incident when I was riding my friend’s bike and the skin of my leg got stuck between the “sissy bar” and the nail he had holding it together.  Yes, I said nail.  We did what we needed to do back then.  Anyway, it pinched me so hard and it was hurting so I yanked my leg and I left a huge piece of skin. I ran home as blood, and what looked like fat, poured out of the wound.  All the way home I was thinking about how Icould hide this.  You see because in that moment, I was more afraid of what my mom would say or do than the pain I was experiencing.  Well turns out I had to go to the hospital and get stitches.  I think the hospital visit gave me a reprieve from the punishment I was surely going to have to take.  Then there was this time, while running, I fell and skinned up both of my knees.  I tried to hide it, but the pain was too much.  I eventually had to tell so that my knees could be tended to.  I don’t recall if I got spanked but I surely took a tongue lashing for running too much, not being careful, not paying attention, and a plethora of other rules I was made to feel I had broken.  This taught me to hide my fun, or it might upset someone or break some rule, and I would surely pay dearly.  Even when dating in high school, I had to hide as I attempted to date someone outside of my race.  My life has molded me into this person that hides and doesn’t share because of intense fear of reprisal.

In some ways I was able to raise my sons without this fear, and in some ways I have not.  I remember looking at my younger son one day as I picked him and his older brother up from school.  He was filthy.  He had paint, dirt, and probably blood on him.  I looked at him sternly, then I smiled and said, “it looks like you had a fantastic day.”  My oldest son chimed in, “see I told you that is what dad would say.”  I just shook my head and laughed.  I wish I had that latitude when I was younger. 

No more hiding for me. I can no longer manage other’s feelings. ACA is providing the tools to no longer think about how the other person might feel, but rather to be as compassionate as I can in the words I choose to convey the information that I need to.  I now do things for myself.  I currently have the opportunity to attend professional football games all over the country as I have a nephew that plays.  I have gotten out of my comfort zone and fear of what others might say and I have traveled.  I have traveled to watch him play in Minnesota and Green Bay this year. It has been a blast to watch this young man develop and for me to sit in the stands and watch these guys have fun on the field.  I also have recently taken up a sport called pickleball.  This sport is addicting and I play several times per week.  I love it, because I no longer sit at home just watching television with all these thoughts in my head.  I now write everyday to get these thoughts out and play pickleball to exert some energy.  Life is fun!!

I am off to play Pickleball.  Join me in the fun!