FREEDOM FROM FEAR

Nov 4, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“We just sat and waited, or we tried to keep ourselves busy while we waited, even though it was difficult to concentrate. We waited in fear for the fireworks to start. We thought about what we could do to keep it from happening. But even if we had known then what we know now, we were children and we couldn’t have stopped it. It was like a runaway train.

As adults, we found relationships where we could continue to do what we did best: wait. We waited in fear for the addict, for the abuse, for anything to go wrong. But as our emotional illness progressed, along with it often came physical illness. Gratefully, we eventually realized that this was no way to live.

In ACA, we can look back at the trauma we endured and know that our True Self was buried underneath the rubble, and we can resurrect it. We can now learn to sit peacefully, no longer worrying about what others are doing. We practice self-care and feel gratitude for the new insights that we continue to have.”

My experience:

I didn’t wait.  I did things big enough so the inevitable would happen sooner rather than later.  If I got into a fight at school, I made sure to yell at a teacher too, to ensure my parents would be told and the vengeance would be brought upon swiftly instead of me having to worry when it may come.  In relationships I did the same thing.  Made sure to do the things that pushed others away quickly so as to not have to anticipate, what I felt would be, the inevitable death.

I did wait to have conversations that were important to have, but felt that if I had them, it would push that person away.  So I died a little inside every day.  I did wait to see how that person handled certain situations which were against what I believed but again didn’t want to say anything out of fear.  When the waiting got to be too much and the anticipation of a big change wore on me, I would blow up in order to stop the pain of waiting.  I could then say, “see, this is how it was going to end up anyway.”

I now take full responsibility and have the conversations that need to be had.  I no longer attempt to manage others feelings, but am not cruel.  I am just as important as others and get to enjoy as much happiness as the next person.  I have honest conversations so as to truly tap into my reality and my feelings so that I may enjoy a happier existence.  This is how I tap into my true self