FAMILY DISEASE

April 8, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Many of us have children who will possibly qualify for ACA one day due to transferring our disease of family dysfunction to them.” BRB p. 156

We remember wondering as we were growing up why life was so bad for us and not for other kids. We fantasized about how differently we would treat our children. They would never feel like this because we’d be the best parents – the parents we always wanted.

However, most of us weren’t able to fulfill that fantasy. We wanted to act like loving parents, but often found ourselves doing the opposite. What was wrong with us? These were our little children, why couldn’t we do things better? And the guilt began to plague us. We didn’t yet realize that the effects from our childhood were so ingrained in us. No matter what we promised ourselves, no matter how sincere we were, we repeated the same behaviors.

In ACA, we are relieved to hear others speak about the same guilt, about their inability to be the parents they want to be. It’s a relief to know we aren’t alone.

We learn that the way to heal the relationships with our own children is to first heal ourselves by recovering from the baggage we’ve carried from our childhood. As we do so, we begin to lift our heads and free ourselves from the guilt that is keeping us stuck.  We begin to change the way we do things.

On this day I will focus on my own recovery and heal myself first, knowing this is how I will have the most positive impact on my loved ones.

My Experience:

I so wanted to be different.  I did many things differently.  However, there were things so ingrained in me that I had no idea the damage I was doing.  I thought I was participating in harm reduction, not understanding that what I was doing was still very harmful.  I now get to heal myself and while my children can see me changing and appreciating that, I can also help them be better than I was.  One thing I did try to instill is that I was there for them.  As I heal I am in a much better place to honestly and non-codependently be there for them.

 I GOT YOU

The best I try to be in anything I embark

But I must admit with fatherhood I truly missed the mark

I don’t blame anyone for the faults that I have

I just wish I had the knowledge that I now do have

I wasn’t nearly the best that sure is true

But you can best believe that I have always loved you

Not sure who can say they were the best but I wish I had known

Because I would have followed their lead way before you were grown

But I think you knew then and hope you still do

That through all my faults, I got you

When you were born and only my voice would settle you

You knew from the start that daddy got you

You would jump in the pool all carefree

Because you always knew that daddy has me

You dove off the staircase with joy and glee

Because you knew without a doubt that daddy got me

When a stranger tried to talk to you and I roared, flee

It was confirmed to you that daddy got me

When you came on out and it didn’t matter to me

Once again you knew that daddy got me

Today my presence is much more obscure

But your need for guidance and help continues to endure

I now stay in the background and let you do you

But always know that daddy got you

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