FALSE SELF
March 7, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“The false self is the adult child personality expressed in the 14 traits of the Laundry List.” BRB p. 7
“While growing up, we unknowingly used the survival technique of developing a false self, a disguise, the mask we used to cover the codependent and addictive traits we learned from our dysfunctional families. We feared and were controlled by other people. We based our feelings on our parents’ behaviors. We did so because we were not allowed to express our personal feelings; there were consequences for doing so.
The Laundry List is an important tool we use to identify our ACA characteristics. It guides us in taking our blameless inventory, thus revealing our True Self and affirming our worthiness. We learn what behaviors we want to change in order to move from our false self to our True Self.
In recovery, we begin to understand that in order to grow it is important to accept, and not deny, all of our feelings. Some of us use the slogan, “There is no healing without feeling” almost as a mantra. Gradually, our True Self emerges as we reach out to others in the fellowship and as we learn the language of ACA.
On this day, as I remove the mask of my false self, I am free to make healthy decisions about the revelation of my True Self”
My Experience:
It is hard to admit to all the masks I have worn for a lifetime. Gladiator, Unfeeling, Uncaring, Not needing help from anyone, the list goes on. In reality, I am that scared little boy that was afraid of the yelling in my house, afraid to walk the mile to kindergarten all alone, wanting someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok, caressing my pink blanket because it offered me some comfort. I now want to be that boy again. Able to show emotion, whether that is to cry at a touching movie or moment in the world, appreciating a real hug from those close to me, engaging in true connection of my significant other, appreciating all the small miracles in life, wishing to be accepted for who I am and not what I can do for you, appreciating the place I am today. I want to be able to freely show my feelings without me worrying about what others might think or how they might feel when I show these tender moments. That is the journey I am on and revelation of feelings is hard, it is scary, it hurts at times, but I would not trade this journey for the world, it is a true act of faith!!