FALSE BELIEF

Oct 31, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“The effects of verbal and emotional abuse are hard to comprehend because we never thought to challenge what was said to us or about us until we found ACA. If we were told we were worthless or ignorant as children, we believed it without question.” BRB p. 30

“For many of us, our caretakers taught us in action and deed that we were worthless. When there was no food, we thought it was because we deserved none. We were bad. We cried alone in our rooms, but eventually learned not to cry when we saw that it made us more vulnerable.  We retreated from our bodies and emotions until nothing was left but confusion. The trauma was complete. We had become numbed-out zombies compulsively seeking the next shock to remind us we were still alive.

We now allow ourselves to get angry at those who harmed us and others who knew and did nothing. We journal, we talk to friends. We rage and hit pillows with wiffle bats and scream if we have to, but we don’t hold it all in. We let go of blaming ourselves. We know we weren’t the cause of what happened.

We now choose to be around those who validate us when we talk about what happened and let go of those who stare blankly as we recount our childhood. We don’t spell it out – we just let go.

On this day I choose to talk to those who can truly hear me and let go of those who can’t. I know I am worthwhile and deserve to have caring people in my life.”

My experience:

How could someone allow a child to live with an alcoholic?  There were many people in my life that could have said something but didn’t.  Maybe they were having conversations that I am unaware of, but never was anything said to me.  I lived with an alcoholic from the time I was about 12 years old on.  The emotional abandonment, the lies, the feeling of worthlessness took hold almost immediately.  I could not trust that things would happen the way I saw them happen in others families so I took it upon myself to try to make things happen.  I, in a sense, became an adult overnight.  But it took a serious toll on me.  Because my “adult” decisions did not always come out perfectly and therefore I felt that there was something wrong with me.  I was less than if I couldn’t make it happen.  But was I really supposed to make it happen?  I realize the answer to that question and now focus my anger on those that were supposed to love and protect me.  I am learning to forgive those and detach myself with love from those folks so as to not carry the burden of anger and resentment.  In this way I free myself from my past so that I can move forward unencumbered and full of love in order to live and enjoy life. 

Blog:  www.bkcoates.com

Instagram:  bkcoates

Facebook: A Childhood Recovered

Twitter: @cornbread182