EXPRESSING FEELINGS
Dec 17, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“As we move out of emotional isolation, we regain the ability to recognize and express all of our feelings.” BRB p. 361
As children, many of us were not allowed to show our feelings. So we stuffed them and pretended not to have them for fear of being ridiculed or punished.
Is it any wonder that we carried this over to adulthood, where we continued to stuff our feelings and convince ourselves that they didn’t matter? Or perhaps we chose the route of medicating our feelings with addictions or obsessions until we didn’t have to experience them.
We come into ACA as adult children with an armful of triggers. These triggers can turn what should be a mild reaction into rage, not because of the situation, but because what is said or done awakens our stuffed feelings.
These denied feelings interfere with relationships, as we leave in our wake people who can’t figure out why we respond the way we do.
ACA reaches into these hidden areas and brings our childhood feelings into the light of day where they eventually lose their power over us.
On this day I will continue to trust and appreciate that ACA is a safe place for me to recognize and express my feelings.”
My experience:
Imagine you and your significant other going along about your day. They do something, in retrospect, seemingly benign. But you blow like Mount Etna. You are so enraged your thoughts are cloudy. Your significant other of course is so confused about what just happened they are in shock. They walk away thinking what did I just do? They wrack their brain thinking about it. They must have done something wrong, they think, but couldn’t quickly identify it. Nope! We were triggered, our stuffed feelings were ruptured and all the rage associated with those feelings came out at that moment. That person did not do anything wrong. Whatever happened, it was an innocent mistake. But we have blown up like they intentionally harmed us in some way. If you are reading this you can probably relate, at least somewhat. Either you were the giver, or you were the receiver. How much time ticked off my clock of life each time I blew? How must the receiver, at the other end of that rage, felt?
Once I really got step one, I better understood that my life had become unmanageable. I understood that my control issues caused the unmanageability and I understood that my control issues were created to survive childhood. However, because of my working the ACA program I am in a much better place today and can see the chaos that I caused and chose to live in. The program has allowed me to breathe, to hear other people’s stories and struggles, and helped me understand me. I probably won’t or can’t get together with everyone when it is time for me to make amends, but please know that I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. Seek out “A Warrior’s Atonement” in my book, “A Gladiator’s Journey.” In the meantime take a look at my offer of sorry.
Sorry
Oblivious are those that tried to love me
I was damaged goods and you could not see
The devastating world of childhood did not prepare
For a person like you to reach out and care
Funny thing, I actually craved your caress
But my wounds would not allow you full access
You wanted intimacy that was honest and real
I offered you some but could not fully deal
As you ventured closer, the gladiator did emerge
Ready to ambush you as you approached the verge
My view was you taking something I did not have to give
In retrospect I see that was no way to live
Because I now see close you wanted to be
You saw something that made you want to be next to me
But this concept was new and I couldn’t accept as law
You pushed, or maybe you didn’t, but that is what I saw
I apologize if the gladiator kept you at bay
To those that loved me I offer sorry today