EMOTIONAL INTOXICATION
March 22, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“The third Identity Paper examined the steep cost of surviving by hiding the vulnerable and wounded child in a prison of isolation, the high price of using the myriad methods we employ to protect the vulnerable self by staying emotionally intoxicated and numb.” BRB p. 628
When we came to ACA, many of us had experience with other programs that dealt with sobriety. We may have even heard about emotional sobriety before, but when we learned it was the focus of this program, it really got our attention. We knew we felt out of control a lot of the time, unable to think clearly. Our minds went 100 miles an hour, and many of us had trouble turning them off at night to go to sleep. We couldn’t sit still with our feelings. We used activities as a drug to numb ourselves when we were uneasy.
Understanding that we were dealing with emotional intoxication made sense. And we were tired of living that way.
Our journey to free ourselves helps us come out of isolation and relate to others who are finding success. We work the Steps and reach out to our Higher Power and our fellow traveler for help. We practice sitting still with our feelings and let it be okay. We ask our loving parent to speak words of encouragement to our vulnerable self so that we don’t get busy to avoid our feelings. We no longer have to walk around numb; we can make it.
On this day I will remember that being alive comes with feelings, and my feelings are all okay! I am entitled to a rich life of emotional sobriety.
My Experience:
Admitting that I was hiding my inner child in a prison of isolation and thus keeping myself emotionally intoxicated and numb is tough to admit. When I review the events in my life, admit I must do. The emotional roller coaster in relationships, the struggle with anger, the bouts of depression, the many attempts at intimacy, all kept me emotionally intoxicated as I pursued and participated in this behavior constantly. The numbness that I felt was almost a relief, but then I chased the dragon again to attempt to feel something only to hit depression on the other side. How could I not be exhausted after of a lifetime of this? I now allow myself to feel the disappointments, the fears, the appropriately displayed anger, the shyness, the vulnerabilities that I have about life. I do have to say, in the long ago past I didn’t feel most things unless I ramped up the interaction (a bigger argument than the last, more anger than the last, etc.). But I also didn’t feel the lows that ultimately came afterwards. Today, I am starting to feel everything. It is tough to feel the disappointments, the fears, the vulnerabilities, etc., however I also get to enjoy the simple pleasures of taking a drive and enjoying the beauty of nature, playing a game and enjoying the interaction and not worrying so much about winning, the kind words of a friend, the encouragement of someone close, even the taste of a good clam chowder. Life since being in these rooms is so much sweeter!!
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