DISSOCIATION
June 5, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“In some cases the stored hurt creates a dissociative effect in the adult. The adult child has dissociated from his or her body.” BRB p. 17
“As children we learned to go outside of ourselves to relieve the pain of whatever was happening in the moment. Being the object of our parents’ vicious verbal and/or physical attacks hurt terribly, but many of us also experienced abuse at the hands of family “friends” and siblings that continued for years. We learned to be “somewhere else” when that happened. We were afraid to say anything because we feared the abandonment of whatever tenuous relationships we had.
As a result, many of us became adults who feared authority. If we were afraid of our father, we may have become fearful of men. If our mother was the perpetrator, we were fearful of women. In spite of this, we wanted these people to love us. When they were unhappy with us, we became helpless children, unable to verbalize our side of the story. We lost our autonomy.
Today we recognize our patterns. We know what’s happening when it happens. We have a choice not to use our childhood survival skills. Instead, ACA affirms for us that we are adults and our feelings matter. We do not need approval from others. We own who we are. We can ask for what we really want, instead of seeking approval and being people-pleasers.
On this day I will listen carefully to my heart. I will speak up and voice my feelings, knowing that no abandonment is more painful then when I abandon my True Self.”
My Experience:
I remember watching one of the scariest movies of our time, “The Exorcist” when I was about nine years old. I remember it affecting my older cousins to the point they would not go to the bathroom alone the night we watched the movie. I was unfazed. I understand now that even at that age, I was dissociated. In retrospect looking over events in my life, it was hard to startle me, tickle me, make me cry, etc. I was so numb, but I recognized it as being manly, being cool, or a plethora of other platitudes that explained my not being affected. But, I also was unable to be fazed by the good things in life, thus not being able to fully enjoy those things either. Today, I cry when I see a touching scene in a movie, I display hurt when someone says something hurtful, I melt when my spouse gives me a hug, I smile when I see an old couple walking in the park holding hands, I appreciate the beauty of a golf course, even when I am not golfing well, and I love the sound and smell of a rainy morning. Today I feel things, and what a blessing it is!
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