DANGEROUS PARENTS

Nov 20, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Those of us who were sexually abused, either covertly orovertly, realize we were “soul raped.” For a long time, we continually tried to do our part, to sweep off our side of the street, to seek change, but to no avail. The destruction was so severe that we were unable to maintain our integrity around our perpetrators afterwards for years. We felt there was no one who would understand, so we went on pretending, showing up, laughing when we didn’t feel like laughing, smiling when we felt empty inside. And we always ended up feeling bad, holiday after holiday, and birthday after birthday.

With the help of ACA, we finally accept that the family we thought we had was really a fantasy we needed to believe in to keep ourselves alive as children. When we finally surrender and acknowledge the extent of the abuse, we detach from our perpetrators. We also detach from those who were supposed to protect us, but who instead protected the perpetrators by denying our stories; the ones who just wanted us to “get over it” so they wouldn’t have to face reality.”

My experience:

I never considered my parents dangerous but after reading this, I better understand that they were. They were dangerous in the fact that I could not tell them anything without blame being assigned to me.  This behavior taught me to keep my mouth shut. So when I was molested as a 6 year old, I didn’t say a word.  I didn’t see my perpetrator on any regular basis, in fact the next time I saw him was when I was 14 or so, but the effects of the molestation stayed with me.  With no one to talk to about it, I had to carry the weight of this on my own, for 46years!  Yes, I laughed when I really wanted to cry, I smiled as the emptiness consumed my soul, I continually felt lonely in a room full of people.  This produces copious amounts of tears, even to this day. 

The poem below allowed me to get my feelings on the subject out, and accept that I no longer have to keep this secret.  It also allows me to detach not only from the perpetrator but from the parents that I could not rely on to keep me safe.

The Secret

It was always in the shadow hiding under a shell

No one knew, and as conditioned, I could not tell

Like Godzilla it was there under the sea

Now is the time to shock the ocean and wake thee

I have now put a name and let it be known

The secret is out, now that I am grown

We can’t know the peril that it represents

But we poke it anyway in our innocence

Now awake, it is destroying the town

We must find a way to bring it back down

In order to do this I guess I need to release my anger

So as to lessen this secrets danger

So to my adults I voice a heartfelt fuck you

And to the perpetrator I say double fuck you too

Just so you know, today I would spit in your mouth

And put my foot in your ass all the way back to the south

I’m a gladiator bitch you could never defeat me

I would stomp on your nuts until your mouth bleeds

I would take out your knee caps so you couldn’t run

And snap off your fingernails one by one

I do have to say when I heard the news of your death

I had a smile of glee and it took away my breath

I heard they found your rotting corpse in an empty trailer you see

I so hope you died fucking miserably

Because I take solace in knowing you died a violent death

with your body rotting viciously all be itself

So I hope you don’t rest in peace not even a stitch

You punk motherfucking child molesting bitch