CRITICAL PARENT
April 4, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Judging ourselves harshly for mistakes is the Critical Parent.” BRB p.307
“The criticism we heard growing up, whether it was from our parents, teachers or others, even other children, became so internalized that we learned to let it define us. This wasn’t a conscious decision. It’s something that happened gradually.
As adults, we carry these shaming messages with us in the form of our own personal inner critical parent. This is why we continue to ‘beat ourselves up’ when we miss the nuance of a situation or make even the smallest error in judgment. These ‘mistakes’ might be as simple as walking out the door in front of someone and accidentally cutting them off. Or maybe we’re having trouble following a conversation. Our critical inner parent jumps right in with, “How could you be so stupid?” or “What’s wrong with you?” When we allow this voice to rule our thoughts, we can second-guess almost everything we do.
As we learn in ACA to silence that critical voice, we replace those messages with more loving thoughts that tell us we haven’t done anything wrong – we’re okay! If we accidentally cut someone off, we apologize and move on. And we realize there could be many reasons why we’re not following what someone is saying. Maybe they aren’t painting a complete picture, so we can ask them to explain or rephrase. Our new responses show strength and they empower us.
On this day I will practice silencing my critical parent and affirm for myself that I am human, and it’s okay to be imperfect.”
My Experience:
My internal critical parent lets me know that “You should have known better.” If I cut someone off, if I let the dead tree get blown over, if I forget to put oil in the car, my critical parent says, “You should have known better.” Interestingly of course this is the same message that I received from my earthly parents. I am working to accept the “mistakes” that I make in life and quieting the voice that wants to condemn me. There is a serenity and calmness that goes along with this quieting, but it is not easy. I will keep working on it every day until it does become easier and accept the things I cannot change.
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