CONTROL
Oct 25, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Our attempts at control bring spiritual death to a relationship with ourselves and others.” BRB p. 41
“How many forms of control are there? On entering the rooms of recovery, we find there are almost as many as there are people.
But don’t all people attempt to control others? Yes, but not with the feverish pitch present in adult children.
As young children, we had no control in our family of origin. When chaos surrounded us and threatened our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, we could only cower to the powers that caused the abuse.
The almost fierce need many of us have to control others stems from being these abused children. We fear that if at any moment we let go of the reins and allow others to take control, history will repeat itself, and we will again be that five-year- old hiding behind the sofa.
This helps explain why we use all the methods we can to keep control of our environment, or the illusion of control. And we attempt to hide what we’re doing by saying things like, “I’m just looking out for everyone’s welfare.”
In ACA, we learn that control is fear-driven, and we learn to face our fears. We bring our 5-year-old out from behind the sofa and reparent ourselves with love and kindness.
On this day I will face my fears with the help of my fellow travelers and release my need to control others.”
My experience:
When people in my life told me that I controlled everything, I thought they were out of their minds. Now I can see what they were talking about, as my control issues were out of hand. I realize now, I needed to so as to not succumb to the fear from my childhood. I can now face those fears and have come to realize that most of those issues behind the fears never come to fruition. I was trying to control for nothing. In the meantime I was damaging relationships with myself and others. I now attempt to let others do what they need to do. Now when they have a bad outcome, I understand that I have choices. I can choose not to be involved as it is “not my monkey, not my circus.” Previously, a lot of my control issued stemmed from knowing that if I didn’t control it and a negative outcome was a result, I would be asked to jump in and save the situation. Not any longer. I can, with peace of mind and gentleness, say no. That is so freeing, I wish this for everyone. Just remember, “not my monkey, not my circus.”
Blog: www.bkcoates.com
Instagram: bkcoates
Facebook: A Childhood Recovered
Twitter: @cornbread182