CHANGE

Feb 20, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

Change has been difficult in my life, but absolutely essential. “BRB p.410

“As children we clung to our dysfunctional families, praying that they wouldn’t abandon us because that, of all possible changes, would be devastating. As adults, we continued to cling to life as we knew it. We resisted change because it brought up so many issues and questions for us.

Eventually, we realized that our families left us long ago, both emotionally and spiritually, even if they didn’t do it physically. With this knowledge came a shift in how we wanted to live our lives and we made way for change.

In ACA, we see our separation from family as a new opportunity for growth. We may still attend get-togethers, but when we understand that our changing selves are no longer welcome in the same way, our longing for the old times lessens.

As we learn to take personal inventory on a regular basis, we allot more space for positive changes and more room for our Higher Power. We view our past with a clearer lens, and we recognize the awesome benefits we reap from our newer ACA lives. We gratefully acknowledge that our Higher Power is doing for us what we could not have done on our own. We begin to see life as an adventure. We credit change as the motivating device that brings joy, the greatest of human feelings.

On this day I will see that when I no longer resist change, happiness and serenity will follow.”

My Experience:

Change is uncomfortable if not downright scary.  It is so scary that I clung to the known forsaking the unknown.  How devastating this has been.  In order to really live, I have realized that I need to communicate, gather information, take time to really evaluate the information, understand my needs, and make decisions when I need to, and not in some rushed way.  But most importantly, I realize that I need to stop clinging to the past just because it is known.  In that I am creating new ways to live, figuring out new ways to celebrate life events, taking on new opportunities, enjoying new found vocations, taking on new exercise programs, evaluating those things in the past that are good to stay in my life and those that should be eliminated.  Overall I, with the help of my ACA tools, am creating a better life for myself, getting past survival and moving into living.  What a joyous adventure thus far!!!

 The funny thing about this poem below is that I didn’t appreciate it that much when I first wrote it about eighteen months ago, but it is fitting here and my appreciation for this poem has grown.

SURVIVAL

If you didn’t grow up in this lineage how could you comprehend the span

Survival of a childhood is very difficult to understand

Beatings, abandonment, the emotional toll

Late nights all alone, watching the whirlwind unfold

Waiting and wondering when they will arrive

How does a child get through this and ultimately survive

Navigating through all the confrontations of life

Everything no matter what it is particularly the strife

To figure life’s systems presented so much grief

Why couldn’t I access at least some adult relief

Having conversations and trying to understand their words

Sharing things with them, not knowing if you have been heard

Not ever knowing when the big scary might show and appear

Either, it didn’t matter as they both were to be feared

Fearful to move at times because it seemed like every action was wrong

Respite of a holiday or gathering is what you would long

For these days offered you at least some safe keep

These are the only times they might hold their tongue and not leap

Christmas was wonderful because you knew there would be glee

Thanksgiving as well as it too offered alee

Fourth of July was another that delivered a pause

Even Easter was a day that provided for the cause

Is this why I cling to these traditions of old

They no longer really do it for me, but I do always hold

I continue to look to these days for comfort and joy

As I did during the days of being that scared little boy

But as each year passes it seem s further away

From those happy memories tied to each one of those days

I need to release these remembrances and create something a new

For these recollections it’s about time I did slew

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