BURIED MEMORIES
March 6, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return.” BRB p. 590
“Did it really happen? Did it happen the way I remember? Am I crazy or are they?
Some of us have few memories of our childhood because of the trauma we experienced. As a result, we may question what we do remember, or even why we feel the way we do when we can’t attach specific memories to the feelings. But our body knows something happened because it stores our trauma from both physical and emotional abuse.
As we move out of isolation into recovery, one of the first things we learn to recognize and honor is our feelings. By continuing to talk to and trust the people in our groups, and often a therapist, we gradually gain clarity. The buried memories start to return. Even when they don’t, we honor our instincts when we realize we feel unsafe around family members and others. We don’t question ourselves. We honor our feeling, knowing that it is real and that we’re not crazy. And we take steps to keep ourselves safe.
On this day I will trust my instincts and feelings, even if I can’t attach a reason for them that will satisfy others.”
My Experience:
Satisfying others!! There are so many in my life that want me to satisfy their feelings. I can no longer do that. I have to honor my feelings, I have to gain clarity, I have to heal, because no one is going to do that for me, only I can do it. But the change has proven a burden to others. They want me to be the same, but without the mood swings, the anger, etc. What they fail to recognize is that the healing process will change everything. Boundaries are the most important in the healing process as prior to the healing journey, I felt that I had no boundaries. That is part of the reason I was so angry. I felt like I had to be everything for everybody else no matter what I felt. But I now know this is not true. I get to honor my feelings. That does not mean that I get to be intentionally cruel to anybody else, it just means that I have to do what is right for me, what feels good for me, what honors me and my feelings as I walk down the path of healing. This has not been a path that may not have been hurtful to others, for that I am truly sorry, but just know that I have to set these boundaries and honor myself if I am to be the best version of myself in the future, and for that, I am not sorry.
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