BREAKING THE TIES
Oct 13, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“As children we are tied to our families by our physical needs.” BRB p.88
“Many of us lived our childhood thinking what happened to us was our fault. But we existed at the whim of others. We were able to eat, but the price was being shamed by an angry parent or ignored by one who was self-involved. Some of us felt we were only given a place to sleep if we didn’t talk about the sexual abuse going on in our house. We blamed ourselves because we had no other way of understanding the situation.
Today, as we see our childhood for what it was, we learn to replace the abuse by cultivating an inner loving parent. This parent protects our Inner Child and allows us to sit with things until they sort themselves out. We don’t jump to conclusions or overreach for an outcome that we can’t see. If we don’t know what to do, we call someone and get help to turn it over. We allow our feelings to flow freely. It is cathartic.
No longer are we tied to our families in an unhealthy way. We focus on ourselves and begin to accept a Higher Power of our understanding. We don’t rush to judgment when there is no clarity. We are a part of an awesome universe and we know we can’t see all sides of it at once. We accept that we are where we need to be for today.
On this day my inner loving parent creates boundaries that make my Inner Child feel safe and whole, regardless of what’s going on around me.”
My experience:
Shame was ever present, but emotional abandonment was the prevalent elephant in the room. I blamed myself, for sure, because I thought I was not good enough, I had not done enough, I was not perfect enough, to elicit anyone wanting to be around me, guide me, help me…love me. In retrospect I can see that I took that into every relationship I had. I tried to be perfect, I tried to assess what they needed and then I tried to be that. I of course could never measure up. I often wondered why I could not just be loved for being me. So the emotional abandonment has been ever present throughout my years. I understand I have to take some responsibility in that, especially now that I am woke. I can now define my needs, wants and desires and ask for those. I can also ask my partner what their needs, wants and desires are and decide if I can or want to provide that. I let people own their stuff and I own mine. I am in the process of breaking those ties that bind me to the past and thus my thought process about relationships, how to love and be loved, etc. This is a scary thought to know that it is quite possible that everything I thought to be true is not true and I need to identify what is true for me today and go down an unfamiliar path. But I know that today I no longer walk unfamiliar paths alone. Thank you ACA.
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