BLAME

Feb 26, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“The principles of ACA are not about blame.” BRB p. xxiii

“Some of us may have heard the saying that “a man without arms can’t hug you.” Our parents/caregivers were not able to give us what they did not have. The disease of alcoholism or other family dysfunction affects generations and did not start with our immediate family.

By working and living the ACA Steps, we realize that we too were unable to give what we did not receive as children. We were not shown how to have healthy relationships, how to raise children or how to avoid feeling “less than.” Many of us vowed not to repeat the patterns of our parents. But knowing what not to do does not automatically give us the knowledge of a better way. This is our legacy, but it does not have to stay that way.

We learn to focus on ourselves instead of being lost in blaming those who couldn’t give us what we needed. They could not give us what they did not get themselves. Today, we are led in the direction of reparenting ourselves, taking measures to erase the old tapes in our head and honoring our True Self

On this day I choose not to blame others or myself for being unable to give what was never given to me. I feel grateful knowing that I can break the cycle of dysfunction and live a better life.”

My Experience:

Although this is something I keep hearing, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Of course my parents couldn’t give me that which I needed and since it was not modeled for me, I couldn’t give that either.  I did not have the tools to be kind and gentle because that was never displayed towards me.  I could not properly guide because I was not guided.  I could not show affection because none was afforded to me.  But it probably was not afforded them either.  How sad to know that if my earthly parents were ever to get into some sort of recovery and recognize this about themselves, then they would know the hurt and pain I suffer this very day.  But I can no longer blame them.  I now must re-define the relationship so as to help me get to and maintain my serenity through re-parenting myself.  I need to be kind and gentle to myself instead of beating myself up because of my perfectionism tendencies when I make a mistake.  I need to ask for help and guidance in those areas where I lack, such as asking someone to be my sponsor and walk with me as I work the 12-Steps.  I need to not be afraid to show the affection that I want to give and not be afraid to ask for the affection I want to receive.  I am moving toward removing blame from my vocabulary and practicing what is and forgiveness.  How powerful is that!!

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