ANXIETY

I have recently identified strong emotions in myself when itcomes to folks displaying high anxiety around me.  People with this nervous energy truly bug me.  I couldn’t understand why, and quite frankly I didn’t even think to stop and ask myself why.  But on my healing journey of working the ACA 12-steps, it was asked that I look at and examine this issue of anxiety.  It has been a deep, thought provoking side trip to uncover this anxiety issue. However, it will prove worthwhile in the end. Take a look at what I have discovered.

In my world anxiety equaled excitement and it was to be controlled.  A controlled and staid Brian was a non-punished Brian.  I learned at a very early age that I must control my anxiety.  I was anxious/excited about Christmas, but I had to act like I was not or Santa would not bring me what I wanted.  I was excited that my Grandpa was coming in the morning to take me on a day trip, so much so that it was hard to sleep.  But, threatened with a whipping, to sleep I went. These are examples of when I had to control my excitement/anxiety.  At seven years old I even had to control my anxiety/fear when I watched a developmentally challenged kid get hit by a speeding vehicle and die right in front of me.  I could not tell my parents about this for fear they would somehow blame me.  I realize now that for me to control any emotion meant that I had to control all my emotions.  I never allowed myself to get too excited, too sad (even when my father and mother told me they were divorcing), too mad (although I would display anger to many people outside the home), or too afraid (although inside I spent a lifetime afraid). I eventually learned to hate anxiety and had disdain for anyone that showed anxiety.  Still, this anxiety triggered very deep internal anxiety in me and thus caused me to further hate myself. 

Did you hear what I just said, the control that I developed caused me self-hate.  Wow!  I hope your mind is blown as much as mine is!

Furthermore, I couldn’t even allow myself to be excited about love and/or a love interest.  Not only because of the self-hate aspect, but also for fear that the love interest would run from me if I showed too much excitement.  So, I played it cool, as cool as I could anyway.  My enthusiasm did seep out in all sorts of ways though.  The way I would painstakingly select just the right gift. Maybe it was my over the top responses to things.  Maybe in the way that I would subconsciously try to one-up a gift or gesture because I didn’t know how to accept someone doing nice things for me.  Instead of taking a walk, I would take you to the beach. Instead of having sex I would make a big production of making love.  All, in an attempt, to curtail this anxiety in me that I was not good enough, that you would leave me if I didn’t make it better than the last time.  I could never rest.  My experience has taught me that I had to do better, be better all the time. This anxiety was hidden from the world. It was masked in bravado, in showing I knew what I was doing, in taking care of everything.  This was exhausting. 

How do I overcome this?

I am a work in progress, but the way I see it, the only wayto be alive is to allow your emotions to flow. Cry when your feelings are hurt, yell if you are truly angry and not just displaying anger because of some other emotion you are feeling and you are masking it with anger, have compassion for those less fortunate, have empathy for those going through things, allow yourself to feel love, show love in your special way, show caring to those in need of an ear, show sympathy for those that are hurting, the point is, just feel and let it show.  You will become alive.  Things will hurt you, you will truly be angry, but you will form deeper relationships with people because of your compassion, empathy, sympathy and ability to love and accept love.  We can all become alive, one day at a time and one person at a time. Join me as we all come alive!!