AFFECTION

Feb 11 from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Our false self constantly seeks outward affection, recognition or praise, but we secretly believe we don’t deserve it.” BRB p. 7

“Many of us spent ‘forever’ trying to portray an image of having it all together, seeking approval by acting or dressing a certain way.  We looked to those who seemed more confident to tell us how to think and feel.  By doing so, we learned not to trust our own intuition.  We were completely at the mercy of others.  We were disconnected from our physical and emotional selves. 

When we finally received some recognition, perhaps on the job after working nearly around-the-clock, our sense of satisfaction was short-lived.  Deep down we “knew” we didn’t deserve that recognition because our inner critical voice was saying, “If they saw the real me, this wouldn’t be happening.”

But as life changes in recovery, we now look for our self-esteem within ourselves and in our relationship with our Higher Power, not other people.  We let the peace of the ACA program grow inside of us, one day at a time, through rigorous honesty, striving to know and understand our Inner Child.  We stop people-pleasing because it deeply damages us.  We have finally become the center of our own lives with an inner loving parent who won’t abandon us. 

On this day I put myself first and let others think what they will.  I am enough just where I stand right now.”

My experience:

This drove me for years.  I need to do more and more for this person to love me and want to stay in my life.  I had to be successful in these things to be accepted by this group of people.  I needed to dress this way in order to not be judged by these folks.  I needed to act this way to gain acceptance.  Always feeling like you are “on” or always having to do more is a heavy burden.  The reality is, if they don’t like me for who I am, then they never really liked/loved me.  This is what brought me to ACA, I could not take the burden anymore.  I could no longer keep the plates spinning.  They started to fall and I felt that ultimate “failure” was right around the corner.  But how could I fail at being me?  This program has allowed me to shed my deepest, darkest secrets/shame and my ACA family does not judge and loves me anyway.  I now get to shed those people, places, and things that judge me, that expect me, that have shown that only the way I was living will they accept me.  It is hard to accept, but it is only through the fire does unformed steel get a chance to become Excalibur!!  I am so glad to be walking with this new family.