ACTOR VS. REACTOR

Jan 24, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“This book will…truly move you from a place of reactor to actor in life.  As said in many Twelve Step programs, “It works if you work it.” BRB p. xix

As children, most of us learned to be reactive as a survival mechanism. If we didn’t “jump to it” without questioning, we were usually punished. We learned to be defensive, often having to explain even the smallest of our actions. We reacted out of fear and did what was necessary to avoid getting into trouble.

As adults, this conditioning may have an upside maybe we’re the ones who react quickly to a crisis and save the day. But we also might be the ones who react quickly to answer someone’s intrusive question, later realizing it wasn’t their business. Then we berate ourselves for being so “stupid.” Or maybe we’re the ones who blurt out something inappropriate because something triggered us. ACAs Big Red Book was written to help us uncover and understand the roots of our dysfunctions. We learn that we carry around a critical inner parent that causes us to react in ways we are no longer comfortable with. As we work the program to silence that critical voice, we feel calmer. We learn to stop, question and decide what our role is and should be, rather than jump to conclusions. Gradually, we become the actors who think for ourselves…and the critical voice fades.

On this day I will take time to read from the Big Red Book to help me further silence the critical voice that may still cause me to be reactive.

 My Experience:

Wow!  “Having to defend even the smallest of our actions” triggers me.  I often walk into a room and I bark out things like, “why is this moved” or why is this over here”, etc.  Making my family explain small actions.  This is a result of my reactor traits. 

I had to jump to it when I was a child or there was surely a swift punishment behind it.  And yes it taught me the traits needed to be valuable in the workplace as someone that gets things done, but at what cost?  Very late nights at the office, missed opportunities to be with loved ones, missed opportunities to better myself, afraid of making mistakes, internal anger because no one else was working like I did, the list goes on and on.  Well no more.  I cannot say that today I have totally moved away from reactor, but I understand it and take time to act and not react to situation as best I can and am getting better at it “one day at a time.” Won’t you join me?