ACCEPTING OURSELVES

Nov 19, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“As children, we often had to endure verbal attacks that, as adults, made us vulnerable to even the slightest criticism. Even in ACA, it was difficult for some of us to hear that we had “defects of character” because we interpreted that as being defective, which felt shaming. Because we knew these were our core issues and that the program could help us, we might have found other words that made us feel more comfortable, such as “character defenses,” “Step One issues,” “spirit blockers” or simply “shortcomings.”

No matter what we call them, it is essential that we look at them in the proper light and accept them as a part of who we learned to be. We also become aware that they are the very things that come between us and our Higher Power. They affect how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to other people.

In becoming willing to work the Steps, we gradually come out of the isolation we’ve used to protect ourselves. And we begin to acknowledge our strengths, one of which is our ability to intuitively know that the tools of ACA are giving us a new and better life. We’re learning balance.”

My experience:

I don’t remember any blatant verbal attacks or shame as a child.  But there was a lot of subtle shaming.  Words like, “I expect more fromyou,” or “You know better than that” are shaming words that infiltrate your psyche and make you feel bad about yourself. These words made me feel like I was a bad person.  The more I heard those words, the worse I felt about myself and the angrier I got. Anger is how I portrayed my deepest feelings of shame and abandonment.  So, as an adult, the slightest criticism would bring out my gladiator tendencies (read: anger) and I would deem you my enemy, even for just that moment.  I would seek to destroy you because I refused to be that scared little boy I once was and having to take the criticism. 

I walked into a room of recovery and I now understand that my gladiator tendencies are protecting that scared little boy that is still inside of me.  This little boy just wants to be who he is: playful, loving, fun loving, needing love, needing tenderness, needing gentleness, needing fun, engaging with others that want to love him just for being him, not for the things he can do for them.  Today, I am engaging those people that want to understand my heart and have the capacity to interact in a way that is spiritually uplifting to me and disengaging from those people that continue the attempts to shame me for being who I am. This blessed realization that I have received from the ACA program has provided the tools to take care of me and accept who I am.  What a burden lifter this has come to be.  All because I walked into a room! 

When will you walk into a room?