ABUSE

Nov 24, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“An ACA ‘bottom’ may take various forms. We say to ourselves “I can’t stand being alone with myself,” or “I hate myself.” But if we analyze just these two statements, we can see they seem to speak of ‘I’ and ‘self’ as if they are two separate entities – and perhaps they are.

The ‘I’ is our essence, the soul that was placed in our human body. The ‘self’ in these negative feelings is only the person we think we are: the one who carries the past, is anxious about the present, and dreads the future. This false self is the creation of other people’s words and deeds that caused us to hide our True Self. This hiding takes many forms, from physically isolating to being emotionally unavailable to ourselves and others.  And when it becomes too toxic, we begin to seek help in order to find a new way of living.

In ACA we begin to question why we allow our false self to have so much control. We learn that the Steps are the pathway that helps us merge our ‘I’ with our True Self, while shedding the old self we created in our childhood. ACA brings us the knowledge that we are all gifted human beings who did not deserve what we got as children. We gradually begin to realize that we are more than good enough.”

My experience:

I felt like I was nothing, but I had to win.  I took losses very hard.  I felt like I could not measure up if I didn’t win.  But even if I “won” I still felt like I didn’t deserve.  I was afraid of every encounter, fear of losing but even more afraid of “winning” because then I would have to win bigger next time. I hid behind the masks of ego and anger. The mask of ego was displayed as I walked through life as though I was larger than life.  The mask of anger was displayed anytime someone opposed me. Both masks were damaging to relationships and ultimately to me.

Today, I remove my masks of ego and anger and reveal the real me.  I am happy, I am adventurous, I love to interact with people and learn who they are and what they have experienced, I love to try new things and new experiences.  I am a nerd who loves math and spreadsheets.  I hurt inside because of a lost childhood and lost loves.  But I know that I will be ok, because as I reveal the real me, the more I love the real me.  Those out there that embrace me will love the real me too.  Those that don’t, didn’t need to be in my life anyway.  I need those people that can see and appreciate the goodness in me, not those that attempt to destroy me and bring me down. I just want to soar and have fun. I invite all to join me.  For you I offer a big hug.