ABANDONMENT

Feb 18, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“If the family withdraws support, this might feel new, but in reality the abandonment has always been there.” BRB p. 406

“On our journey in ACA, at some point we realized we were alone again. We had always felt this way, but never allowed ourselves to face the truth. As we make space for our Higher Power, we allow the fear and pain to pass through us. We begin to see that the universe is a safe place for us, and that by facing our loneliness, we can become whole. We take this inward journey with the help of our sponsors and fellow travelers who have done so before us and who can share their experience, strength, and hope.

We let our dysfunctional families fade in the distance, and we move into new, healthier relationships where we get our needs met. We stop trying to replace our parents with people who wear different masks. Although such relationships might temporarily feel good, they soon come crashing down as we see them for what they are: ugly, messy and codependent.

We realize we may slide back once in a while, because recovery is rarely a straight line. But we are learning to pull out of our nosedives faster and with more grace. There is no need to go down with the ship anymore.

On this day I will allow that which is dead to be what it is. I will take whatever time I need to fully grieve and then move on.”

My Experience:

I think about the verbiage I often used, even in relationships.  Instead of we or our, I usually used I or my.  This was very telling.  This kept my subconscious mind thinking that I could not trust that there was going to be help available, I could not trust that you would be there for me, I could not trust that you wanted to be with me through the tough times, I just could not trust you.  This kept me feeling the loneliness and abandonment that I have felt for a lifetime.  For those times and those people that I could use the verbiage we and our, I had some level of trust and most likely, you were battle tested.

BATTLE TESTED

A breakthrough has occurred and more I know me

I wish I had this knowledge way back in the d

Not freely given this thing called trust

Prove yourself in battle with me you must

My homies, they have had opportunity galore

Whether on the field, in the field or anything more

They are who I can have faith this is true

But to prove yourself I am not sure how you do

My boys and I will suit up freely

To march into battle with them and with me

This security I needed when I was a lad

Without it then kept me lonely and sad

Unable to entrust my adults with this task

During their watch, I was abandoned and harassed

So a gladiator I did become you see

Traveling with those on the same mission as me

I now realize that proving is not what I need

But trust in and of itself is what I should heed

Loving and trusting as a brave little soul

Will provide me conscious relief that will make me whole

Not looking for you to protect, just having my back

I regret testing you with the trust I did lack

I know this drove you so far away

I couldn’t comprehend but I did want you to stay

How confusing all this must have been

Me so loving once then you on trial again

Just know that I now recognize this flaw

And am now working on this iceberg to thaw

So I am sorry if I didn’t have the capacity

I know that it hurt you, but it also hurt me

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