ABANDONMENT
Dec 6, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Abandonment means more than being left alone or left at a doorstep.” BRB p. 10
“We felt abandoned emotionally as children when we were criticized and felt we didn’t measure up to expectations. These abandonment feelings were made worse when we felt compelled to keep family secrets, which brought a continual sense of shame that someone could find out how really dysfunctional our homes were.
As adults, this often resulted in feeling triggered to build up highly emotional responses toward the pain of loss.
Before ACA, living with all of this pain and shame caused us to look outside of ourselves for love and safety. But with the help and guidance of our program and each other, we learn that self-worth, self-nurturing, and a feeling of safety can be developed within ourselves. Thus, our confidence grows and recovery becomes real, especially as we strengthen our belief in a Higher Power.
Recovery works if we don’t stare at the past, but decide to make new memories each day. We find that developing into a “new adult” is rewarding. At the same time, our Inner Child continues to grow in a healthy way.
ACA teaches us to be confident in the knowledge that we are in charge of ourselves. We can learn to live in the present and concentrate on each day’s blessings.
On this day I know I am not alone. I have the support of my ACA family that is helping me heal my past and build a strong future.
My experience:
There were many family secrets to keep. But the main one, my father was an alcoholic. You begin at an early age with the cover stories. The questions come, “where are your parents?” The responses I developed, Oh, my father is still working tonight, when in reality he was working on a big glass of Brandy. Another developed response was, “I live with my father”, intimating that if my mother knew she would be here. In reality, it felt to me that she didn’t care to know. On and on I would create this web of lies to hide the shame and stigma of it all. I got so good at it that I was able to completely hide the emotional turmoil boiling inside of me. I looked so cool on the outside, showing my ability to handle problems without my parents involvement. Everyone thought, wow he is so sophisticated, he handles everything. His parents must be so proud. When in reality I was a scared little boy afraid to make a mistake. In order not to make a mistake, I always had a plan B, C, D, E, etc. I could not let anyone know I failed. The disappointment that would be presented to me was too much to bear. It was crushing, I think about it now and I am not sure how I survived those rare times when I couldn’t get it done.
Now I am able to rejoice in the fact that I cannot do it all and that I make mistakes. I smile everytime someone points out a mistake of mine. Why? Because they seem to get so much pleasure out of it, I am often told things like, “I told you so” or “I knew it.” You know what, I just don’t care. I don’t care that you need to point out my wrongs, I don’t care that you need to somehow prove that you are smarter than me, I don’t care that you disapprove, I don’t care that you think “oh how the almighty have fallen.” It is no longer soul-crushing that I am wrong about something. I no longer think about all the things I could have done to ensure that it was right. I no longer attempt to tackle all problems. I no longer attempt to manage your feelings around something. I now attempt to live in the truth, my truth. I cannot be concerned if you can’t handle it.
Join me in my new mistake making club and rejoice!!
