HYPERVIGILANCE
Oct 10, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“In adult children PTSD tends to manifest itself in hypervigilance, compulsive behavior, and hard-to-detect body sensations. It is as if our bodies have ‘rewired’ themselves to protect us from severe harm or severe harm that almost occurred.” BRB p. 178
“Soldiers learn immediately what hypervigilance means: Watch out! The enemy is close!
In our family of origin, we experienced hypervigilance on a regular basis. If we didn’t watch out, we or someone close might get hurt. In the middle of these experiences, we vowed we’d never do that to our own families.
But alas! The lessons were too well taught. Something seems to snap, and it’s as if we go into a trance, screaming, belittling, or calling our loved ones names. We scold, threaten, slam doors, and drive away in a cloud of dust. We push away those we love most. We’ve become the multi-generational living triggers that cause hypervigilance in our loved ones.
When we realize we’ve become the perpetrators, we look for help in the rooms of ACA. It’s in the Steps that we identify the root of our hypervigilance. We look at our triggers to try to determine how and where they originated. Triggers derived from our hypervigilance are what make us inexplicably react, freeze, hold our breath, or shake in our shoes. As we learn more, we usually find fear and guilt at our core, and those feelings are often frozen. We bring them to life so we can heal.
On this day I will slow down and breathe deeply if I find myself feeling triggered by my hypervigilant reactions. I can nurture myself through this.”
My experience:
As a pre-teen and teenager I learned when I walked in the door to assess what the mood was. Was everything in order or misplaced? Was dad drinking already and if so assess how much. Based on these assessments I then decided how I was going to react. Will I be as quiet as I can so as not to disturb, thus furthering my loneliness. Can I ask a question about something right now or do I have to wait for the perfect window (this consisted of drinking just enough, but not too much). This is how I have acted in my primary relationships today. Assess the mood, decide how to react/interact, is this the right time to bring up XYZ. This brought on serious frustration and fueled my anger as I often thought, “when do I get to just be, instead of always assessing the mood of everyone else.” Funny thing is, I have learned that I too was that person that others had to walk on eggshells around. I guess I leaned my lessons well. Today as I continue on my healing journey, I move away from those ogre-like tendencies so people can approach me when they need and I move closer to folks and attempt to not manage their mood by making assessments. Who knew that what I was experiencing was PTSD of sorts and I learned this from a young age. Perhaps you can relate and move yourself out of that space in order to enjoy life more. We ACA’ers welcome you.
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