FORGIVENESS

Dec 23, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“We cannot forgive another until we forgive ourselves.  BRB p.233

As children, we learned to be critical of ourselves and to see ourselves as never being good enough. This was told to us so many times and in so many ways by the adults in our lives that it programmed itself into our self-image.  The thought of forgiving ourselves for doing or saying something wrong never entered our minds.

In ACA, we learn that self-forgiveness is essential for honoring and loving our True Self. It is how we learn to affirm our worth and build a foundation for being able to forgive others. 

Learning to love ourselves unconditionally opens up a new world. It may not be easy for many of us because of the critical inner voice that seems to keep beating us down, but it’s possible – we know that because we see it happening in others.     

Once we begin to give ourselves this gift, we are then better able to give this same gift to those around us. But doing so does not mean we excuse unacceptable behavior; we simply learn to forgive and accept others for who they are. Only then can we make a decision about whether we want them in our lives. But we will make that decision from a healthy place, not one of anger and resentment.

On this day I will strengthen my spirit, showing myself unconditional love by accepting myself for being human.

My experience:

I have spent a lifetime of beating myself up for errors.  “I should have done better on that test,” “I should have done better on that play,” “I should have been a better partner in this area,” and the list exhaustingly goes on.  The ACA program is teaching me forgiveness.  My forgiveness, self and otherwise, starts with examining what happened and identify my part in it.  As an example, I recently had an argument.  I sat with how the interaction went and what was going on with me.  I realized that I was holding in some feelings about certain events and they came out during this discussion turned argument.  I had to apologize for my actions and say that I will continue to work on myself to have appropriate adult conversations about what I am feeling, how I am feeling, and what I want.  The second piece that I am working on is to not have expectations of change from the other person.  This gives me the opportunity, yes I said opportunity, to work through the pain and disappointment that will continue to come from certain actions.  However, I know there is power in knowledge.  If those interactions continue to make me feel bad about myself, I take solace in knowing that I can choose a different way in which I interact with those actions, including ceasing to interact.  My ACA program has helped and guided me along this path and helping me to grow up.  Please join me in this maturation process.  It is truly wonderful.  Remember, “progress not perfection.”